Suddenly I See

When I grow up, what do I want to do with my life?  Well, I am still not sure.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think I have ever known what I really wanted for me.  I have let society, people in my life and just general circumstances dictate the shape of my goals and dreams.  For awhile, I slept to sleep and not to dream.  I gave up, using every thing and everyone as an excuse for my failures and obstacles.  However, I am starting to narrow down the “want”.  I want to use my creative side. I want to write and create.  For the past 30 plus years I have been Mom, sister, Aunt, waitress, medical-biller, restaurant manager, chef, staff accountant the list is endless.  Things that I did to feed my kids.  Often, I feel defeated and don’t want to go on.  Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I should just go to my 9-5 job and suck it up and go on with my life till it is time to retire. So many of us are going through battles inside of our own heads and against invisible warriors. Many of us are battling loved ones that are well meaning but have no idea that they are actually hurting us instead of helping even when they are only trying to protect us.  Sometimes, it’s okay to let us get banged up and fall because it’s how we recover and get back up.  2018 was a rough year, but it was also a great year.  I learned so much and met so many wonderful people.  Only a few months ago, I wanted to end everything and had given up. You really can’t judge a book by it’s cover.  I was posting one thing on social media while the pain inside of me grew. Anyhow, not sure what changed and it’s still a battle but more like game of tic-tac-toe instead of a war.  For the past two years I have been photographing bands that play locally here in the Coachella Valley.  Basically, I am practicing, as I have a dream of being a concert photographer.  I know I need to take more classes.  I have a few courses under my belt so far but do need better equipment as I have outgrown what I have.  A few months ago, I threw out a post into social media asking for critiques from my friends and got one response from a childhood friend.  All he could offer was that I should sell one of my cameras and purchase a new lens.  That threw me into a tailspin. I guess this is where the mental issues started.  Had it not been for a commercial for a photography class that I have no intention of purchasing, my sails got the needed gust of wind from a calming voice.  That voice was Annie Leibovitz and her Masterclass.  She said something about not caring about the equipment and it struck a cord with me as I have been so jealous of people who have these expensive cameras and equipment since I had that chat with my friend.  She, Leibovitz, is right.  Yes, I still have lot’s to learn.  Yes, I need to stop caring so much about what people think. 2019, I am coming for you! I am not promising that this is my breakout year, no. However, I am going to take chances, push the envelope, say “no” and mean it, love hard, be joyful, dance, and take photos with reckless abandon.

To you invisible eyes, you can do it I know you can.

***Photos are what I have taken over this past year and travel with my hubby.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. speak766 says:

    Great post. Wish you lots of success in 2019 – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

    1. artofthebeat says:

      Thank you so much for the feed back! Much appreciated.


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