***5:45 PM Pacific Standard time came back to edit as I must have been highly medicated this morning.  My sincerest apologies.

The heart brings you back is what John Popper sings out right now and those words resonate so well right now.  Sometimes I live in my pain as I guess many people do.  Sometimes I hide things that I work on because I am afraid of what people will say or not say.  I remember playing tennis for Duarte High School back in 1984.   I was a freshman and everyone that tried out made the Varsity team.  Really, I wasn’t special.  I played two years varsity tennis and probably would have played four years had I not liked ditching school so much and getting drunk and high and then there was that getting pregnant thing.  My mother only went to one game and I remember that she criticized my playing.  Hey, if you happen to be a parent and you are stopping by this blog for some reason, maybe this is it…please, for the life of your child or whom ever invited you to come see them perform or participate in an event, choose your words wisely!  Really, I wish I could make a career out of my hobby, as my family thinks of this obsession of mine, ’cause that is all it really is at the moment.  I am not getting paid for any of what I am doing! Anyhow, hopefully, this will help someone out there in this wide world.  Please just know that you are not alone.  Life really is a journey from the first breath that we take to the last breath that we exhale.  There is no exact road map or perfect sunset to drive toward.  I just know that sometimes when you get the call or are messaged and you are asked to dance, take the chance and do it.  Last year in January I took that chance.  Lele Rose messaged me through Instagram on a Saturday morning.  I had been very ill and not working.  Most people thought that I was faking my illness as I was still out taking photos and following my hubby around to all of his band activities.  Also, I had taken a few photos of myself (and posted to social media) to try and start my own photography business.

Little strange fact about me, I have a love of America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway!  I love both of those shows!  However, I cannot watch Project Runway without Heidi Klum.  Secretly, I would practice poses in the mirror and “smizing”.  It’s okay to laugh, I get it.  Does it make me a better photographer?  I hope it does.  All I know is  I have one project I can’t get off my mind right now.  I belong to a group online of people that suffer, suffer is not the right word,  and they all happen to have the same thing that I have, Cauda Equina Syndrome.  I was thinking about doing a series of photos or maybe a book of photos and essays on pain and the faces of pain.  Those photos above were taken when I was in 7 plus on the pain scale and not taking any medications.  My pain was showing through in those photos and I had no make-up artist. It was just me and my camera.  I had just lost about 40 pounds and my doctors had no idea why I was in that condition but said I should be happy because I needed to lose the weight anyway. Where do I start, will anyone open up and let me photograph them during their pain?  Will this be another one of my pipe dreams?  To be continued…

Oh yeah, back to the Lele Rose story, when messaged me I was shocked and excited that someone had searched me out because the liked my photos that they had seen on IG.  I gladly accepted her offer and met her at her hotel. It was so much fun.  My inexperience got the best of me as I met her late in the day and we were working with bad lighting.  I was lucky and got a couple good shots.  It took a little over a year for me to re-edit them and post on the Keenfern Photography IG yesterday as I had not been happy with them.  You know, we are after all, our own worst critics.  I still think they could have been better.  Hopefully, I get another chance with Lele.  She is a talented musician and wonderful human being.  My husband and I have had the chance to sit in on her sets when she plays at local hotel here in Palm Desert.  She is also on Spotify so check her out if you have a chance as she is Not Ur Avg Girl.

Wow, you made to the end of my long winded rant!  You deserve a round of applause!!  Take your right hand and place one your right shoulder.  Now take your left hand and place it on your right shoulder. Squeeze tight, inhale through your nose, close your eyes, smile, exhale.  Have a sparkly day where ever in the world you are…


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