Have I Been Here Before?

A few weeks ago, life was idyllic. My husband and I had just had a fabulous weekend.  We had seen Sammy Hagar and the Circle in La Quinta at the PGA West Tournament on January 28, 2019.  Okay, I am lying a little, I was in lots of pain, but he and I don’t get out much unless it is when he is playing or we both feel up for a night out or there is a band at Lit Lounge that we both like and I can get some practice shooting in.  Lately, I just had not been feeling it.  It had been showing in my photos.  Pain photography, as my term for it, because honestly, it was getting shitty no matter how I spun it.  I can’t wait to see what my shots will start looking like with a clearer head and less pain.  On January 29, 2019, I had an appointment with a Pain Doctor,  I can’t thank him enough. The only reason I got this appointment was I was desperate. I was in pain, I was having troubling peeing and something just didn’t feel right.  It reminded me of 1991. Anyhow, back to the present, I remember that I begged my Primary Care Physician to help and she said I was depressed. She prescribed nortriptyline, For “nerve” pain.  Not for my “depression” but it would help that too. I told her I was not depressed! I was angry and in pain.  I had never felt so patronized in my life. When did pain symptoms become the Kevin Bacon of depression?  I also requested Pain Management.  Bingo!  He was instrumental in finally getting the correct care of what was wrong with me. The following day I was sent to have a stat MRI and that evening was called and instructed to go to the nearest emergency room. Anyhow, the following day I had surgery to repair my spine.  Funny thing is that for the past few years I have been told my pain was caused by depression, how I don’t look sick, your tests are all normal, you look great, maybe if you lose a few pounds, maybe if you wore your hair differently, take these pills or how about pills or these pills will make these pills better, or maybe if you stop being so jealous of everyone else and so on.  Why are people so quick to blame the person who is suffering? Back to my past,  In 1991, I was 21.  I was a single parent. I drank, I smoked and was an optician in Temple City, CA.  Around my 21 birthday, I was hard partying. My head hurt constantly, I was dizzy and I told My Doctor about this more than once. He prescribed Ativan and Motrin 800 mg. I never did take the Ativan because I never felt like I had anxiety. I try to tell him that. No one would believe me. Well, the day I had my stroke, I was 21 and the last thing I remember was trying to call my doctor.  From stories I have heard because after the bleed fully took over everything is spotty for two weeks, I was treated like I had a drug overdose until one nurse checked my eyes at my older sisters urging. My sister thought I might be wearing contact lenses. This was around 8 or 9 PM that night. This was almost 7 hours after my stroke, from an AVM.  Anyhow, they found It, got it fixed, and I met Lawrence, during this 6-month ordeal. He had the same condition, he and I got together, had kids, separated, he died from complications in 2008.  His AVM was in his spine and was deemed inoperable.  Anyhow, I could keep going on but I guess that will make me come back and write a bit more. I do apologize that it is not as advertised, Art and Music.  It will be soon.  I just need to heel and find some modified seats.  I am beginning to see a need for an adjustable sit/stand desk as I don’t think I will ever be able to fully sit erect for more than 10 minutes again. You just never know? To you invisible eyes, you made it this far and I thank you.  This only took 24 hours. If you happen to be a healthcare worker, I get that you are under so much pressure.  Please just listen to your patients.  Not everything is as what it seems.  Not all normal test results are normal and sometimes you need to connect the dots.  Not all of us are normal but being normal does not always mean that everything is okay…just saying.

May the road you are on today be smooth and get there safely.  Hope to be on the open roads again soon.  Peace, fuzzy slippers and sparkly shit.

Cauda Equina Syndrome
This was taken on February 1, 2019. I have Cauda Equina Syndrome.









































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